literature

Confession of a misguided girl

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Yaoiforever358's avatar
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Literature Text

Confessions of a misguided soul.

Hi there!

I'm the girl who is always laughing,

Always joking,

Who never pays attention in class!

The one that just SPREADS good cheer around!

At least I am when I'm around people…

When I'm home,

Alone,

I let the mask drop.

Sure most of the times its genuine and I really do feel happy,

But not when I'm alone.

When I'm alone…

With my thoughts,

With the demons who haunt me,

I let the walls come down and I cry…

Not always on the outside,

But on the inside.

I cry from the pain of trying to go on,

Of feeling utterly alone,

Cut off from the world.

I cry out of frustration,

Feeling like no one will EVER understand.

I cry from the feeling of my world shattering around me.

And all I can do is watch.

Wondering who would miss me if I just disappeared.

I may say that I don't care what you think of the way I act or dress,

But a part of me still desperately seeks your approval

To know that I'm doing it right,

That I meet your approval.

Sometimes…

I just sit in my room,

And make shapes out of the shadows that dance and flit across my walls and ceiling,

Writing and creating worlds and stories out of the things I see.

I can't express myself clearly,

Except through my music.

And my art.

And my writing.

You may think that this is masterful,

Wonderful,

Well written,

But its just me.

Saying the things that I can't say aloud.

Since I'm the girl who is always smiling.

Always there to lend a hand to my friends no matter what the time or problem.

But sometimes I wonder…

Who would lend ME a hand when I need it?

When I can feel the weight of the world crashing onto my shoulders and all I can let escape is a small strangled cry of help from the weight.

Of course you can't hear it.

I never show that side of me to my friends in real life.

I don't want to burden them with my problems since they have their own set of problems.

Instead I try and help them through theirs,

Shoving thoughts of my pain and isolation into the darkest corners of my heart,

Since I'm always there to help them.

But when I'm alone and no one can see me,

I just let all the negative emotions out.

And I collapse into myself.

Of course that's only when I'm alone,

Not talking,

Not texting,

IMing,

Chating,

Emailing,

Just me and my thoughts.

I'm the girl who is confused so much by her sexuality.

I know  I like girls…

I like them more than I do boys.

A lot more.

But then I also find guys sexy to…

But that doesn't mean I want to bed them like I do girls.

And I have no idea what it means!

I'm the girl who is out to all her friends and who ever asks her,

But to her family shes straight and hetero.

I so want to tell them that I like girls,

But then my "Mom's" words stop me.

Shes always saying the words I hate.

Fag.

Dyke.

Lesbo.

Homo.

Shes always spewing self-righteous hate about them…

And All I do is sit there quietly and not say a word.

Silently dying a little on the inside,

Silently growing to loathe her more.

I may act happy for you that you found the person of your dreams,

But a small part of me is crying and smashin things,

Pulling my hair out and crying

"Why!  Why is it that I can't find someone!"

"Why is it that when I love someone they ALWAYS hurt me!"

But no, you never see that side of.

All you see is me smiling and saying  "Congrats!"

I'm the girl hiding in her room,

Crying and asking why?

Why can't I tell them that I like girls and some guys!

Then I remember all the things my "family" spew about them.

Its wrong to be gay!

They're going to hell!

The shouldn't be allowed to be married!

If I found out someone was gay I'd never talk to them!

And then I just cry a little harder.

But most of the times I just lie down,

Turn on the music,

And loose myself.

Just let myself drift off..

Away from this world full of judgment

Away from the feeling that I'll never be loved

Never be accepted.

And I drift.

I'm not trying to sound like a whiner who thinks they have the worst life out there since there are others who's lives are FAR worse than mine.

I'm just speaking from my soul the only way I can without hiding behind my masks,

Through my writings.

Through my drawings,

Through my music.

I'm just confessing things that I can never say in real life because I don't want my friends to worry about me.

If your reading this and you know me…

Hello there, this is the me that I hide to protect you.

To protect me.

If you don't know me.

Hello there, I'm the girl who is always laughing,

Always smiling,

Joking around.

But I am also the girl who sits alone at lunch.

Feeling suffocated by all the happy people around me.

Feeling isolated even though I'm surrounded by friends.

I'm the girl who sometimes just needs a hug,

Who wants to be told that shes pretty,

That she doesn't have to hide,

That shes loved even though she doesn't feel it.

I'm also the girl who will do a Free Hug Day virtually alone,

Taking all the ridicule with a smile on my face,

Though on the inside each barb stings like a thousand volts.

But feels elated when she hears that the free hug she gave actually helped.

I'm the girl who can loose track of what shes writing and just ramble,

Who sees the glass half empty,

Half full,

And not even there.

But most of all,

I'm me.

And the things I write are just the confessions I can never say in person.  
Hey sorry if you faved or commented on the other version, this is just the one that I edited and added more to that I forgot to add to the last one. I'm sorry if this is a inconvience to you.
© 2011 - 2024 Yaoiforever358
Comments18
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Foxfireflames's avatar
We are alike in many ways. I wish you the best of luck, for whats its worth to you. <3