The wind is blowing softly through the trees,
The cool night air refreshing me as I sit under the tree to stare at the stars.
There are so many of them.
They light up the sky with their brilliance.
The moons lights up the sky as well,
Softly, as I sigh I just ponder why I'm here.
Why am I alive?
What is my purpose?
I close my eyes to try and think,
And as I do it begins.
Slowly, almost as if like an old movie scenes flash before my eyes.
My first best friend,
Playing kickball in grade school,
Moving across the country and leaving behind the only family I've ever known.
Arriving in my new state and meeting the family I didn't know I had.
Watching them all interact,
While I'm stuck on the outside not knowing what to do.
Then, suddenly the scenes begin to speed up.
My first big southern storm flashes as brightly as the lightening did that day.
Moving an hour away from my new family.
Starting school late and feeling all alone.
Meeting my new friends,
Learning about the world around me.
Now my memories are in middle school.
Laughing and joking with my new friends,
Going home and crying because people have picked on me.
Meeting one of my "sisters"
All the laughs,
All the tears I cried,
They all flash before my eyes.
I see myself a little seventh grader,
Surrounded by people yet I still feel alone.
Questioning who I am
"Why don't can't I be skinny like all the popular girls?"
"Why are they always so mean to me!"
"How come no one likes me
"Why am I always so
And, most importantly,
"Why don't I like boys as much as the other girls?"
Its eighth grade year now.
I can feel the tears start to prick at my eyes,
I remember admitting to myself,
And to my "friends",
That I liked girls and guys.
I remember the relief I felt when they accepted me.
I remember the heartbreak of hearing the girl I so liked tell me,
She was "straight" now.
All I could think was,
"Its my fault
A few tears slip from my eyes,
That night I almost ended it all
But something stopped me.
Flash forward to my sophomore year of high school.
I'm a new person thanks to the people I met and the friends I made last year.
I'm no longer shy,
I'm no longer hiding behind a mask to hide my pain,
I'm no longer trying to delude myself into liking men,
I am me.
And I had my heart broken again.
That was the first time I had ever cried at school.
My friends put me on suicide watch for a month.
I had given up on love,
It wasn't for someone like me.
As the tears steadily flow down my cheeks, a smile tugs at my lips for the next memory.
I remember meeting my other sister,
She has helped me through so much.
I remember talking to my first sister about life,
And her giving me advice.
My heart may have been shattered,
But they helped fix me.
I remember meeting her.
The girl who took my breath away,
And the girl who held my heart in her hands.
Finally my life was complete!
I was happy,
And I was so in love.
Life was good.
Now though, the memories in my mind's eye start to slow once again.
I remember the pain of not being able to tell my ane-chan good bye
I remember the pain of not being able to give Lexi that last hug on the last day of school
feeling alone without my sisters there for me.
But, I did have the girl I was "in love" with.
And I could always still talk to them through text.
That summer was tough
My sister Lexi was hurting and I couldn't help her.
I felt it was my fault
I did get to see my Ane-chan though,
But it made saying goodbye to her again all the harder.
Beginning of junior year was alright.
I got to see my old friends,
Make new ones to.
And I still had my girlfriend.
That all changed.
The shining light in my world,
The girl I was going to marry,
She ended up ripping my heart out,
And she ended up breaking me worse than anything else.
It went dark.
The tears are now falling down my face faster as I try to stop remembering.
The lies she told me,
The truth I tried to deny.
8 months out of my life.
I almost ended everything right then and there.
Nothing was worth living for,
Love didn't exist,
And a life without love wasn't worth living.
My friends and my sisters helped me through
They guided me,
They loved me.
I soon got over her.
I soon found someone else.
As I open my eyes to stare at the night sky around me,
I can feel you shift beside me, trying to get warmer.
Trying to get closer.
Looking down at you,
I can't help but smile.
Maybe the reason I'm still here
Is to help those like me.
To guide the lost through the dark,
And to help them find the light.
Pulling you closer to me,
I have one last thought before sleep claims me.
Maybe I'm on this earth to show people.
Maybe I'm here to help them,
Maybe I'm here to LOVE.